I am beyond frustrated with the Christianity I have come to know.
At the beginning of 2018, I decided to dedicate all I do and create to the One who created me. Since that decision, I have been blessed with enriching friendships, beautiful experiences, and an overflow of love. Yet, despite all the good I have experienced, I find myself running away from the comfort of Christianity. It's way too easy to blame others, I can sit for hours listing individuals and entities that have tarnished my view of Christianity. If I sat and did that, I would become just like the ones that have driven me away.
A majority of people know I was involved in Christian TikTok. This was a movement of sorts, one with a lot of young people (15-25-year-olds) posting with a message and purpose. While this had a wealth of issues and controversies, it was where I met some unbelievably close friends. Overall, I am thankful for this experience, but I am left with a few hurts I have not let heal.
I primarily wanted to post videos that were funny, fun, something easy to watch. I subconsciously knew that TikTok was not the place to be having heated discussions over secondary issues. My decision to do so lead to an encounter that hurt me deeply. Someone I considered a friend said that they were hesitant to befriend me because they thought I was shallow and didn't understand Scripture. This decision to not involve myself in divisive discourse lead certain people to think I was an idiot, not seeking to know the God I love and serve.
Early 2020 was a time when I was mad and constantly looking to 'reveal darkness'. I discovered Calvinism *which I still rock with btw* and wore it as a shield. I charged at those with differing opinions from me as if they were my foe, as though they attacked me first. I stood side-by-side with those who made it their mission to warn others of evil instead of sharing the good news. Slowly, the Gospel became what I could do instead of what has already been done.
I read theology books as if I was starving, but the motive was pure gluttony. I was desperately wanting to appear intelligent and make content that reflected that. My desire for knowledge was out of selfish ambition. I hate to say it, but I am embarrassed.
This wasn't who I was and was not where my God-given strengths lay.
I write this still hurting. I constantly find myself stifling a scream, seeing people I called friends working tirelessly to rile people up.
God is King. This is not up for debate, it cannot be undone. Fear should not be masked as a duty. I will call it what it is, it is fear. Being scared of a song that isn't up to the standards of the hymn we idolize is not 'furthering the Kingdom'. Screaming at a Superbowl commercial that is funded by an organization that isn't 'Christian' is not saving people.
It's all redundant and I am tired. I find myself wary of the same people I used to admire, it makes me want to weep. When have we made ourselves judge, jury, and executioner? Seeking malice from people we do not know.
Here I am on the verge of tears asking God to bring us back to the Gospel. The Gospel is the heart of it all. It is where we can rejoice at the salvation of another soul, sing and dance at the beauty of Christ.
"Let the Gospel be a fire in our mouths and the world be wood." - Jeff Durbin
It's obvious, but Christianity has focused on the wrong enemy. Throughout my own experiences, I KNOW that social media should not be a chopping block for secondary issues. These young people are not pastors called to shepherd us. I encourage caution but urge the renewal of the Good News! Live life with joy, seek Truth, and love others.
Life can be beautiful when we live in the security of Christ. He is the Good News.
Instead of retaliating, I am choosing to rededicate my life towards creating for the Creator. Fulling my own creativity from the living, breathing word. Sharing GOOD news. Focusing on renewal.
God is so good.
With love,
H
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