I was scrolling on Pinterest a few days ago and came upon this image.
Immediately, my mess of feelings began sorting itself out as I was made aware of this eye of expectation.
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Over the last several months, I have felt like a prisoner in my own life. My body has kept me captive through sickness and pain, each day creating a new frustration. My mind has removed any trace of joy and creativity, forcing me to operate as if I was preprogrammed. Routine did find me, however, that routine had the appearance of shackles. These shackles have kept me bound, entangled, and lifeless.
Usually, people write about how they broke free or at least the lessons they have learned through the battle. I am afraid I have nothing of merit to offer.
It feels as if I was able to break one hand free and for right now that is enough.
Approximately 8 months ago it felt as if my life was falling into place and I didn't think to move forward with caution. I jumped right into new experiences and responsibilities assuming my hard work was paying off because I deserved it. While I was aware this wasn't what I originally had planned, I was okay with what appeared to be a step forward. Now that I am able to take a step back from the whirlwind of emotions and due dates, I can see that instead of moving forward I deviated onto a whole new path.
I am lost.
Yet again I have willingly put on a blindfold just to wonder why I can't see.
In my own selfishness, I don't think I am completely to blame. I have quietly expressed concerns and thoughts, wanting to grab hold of what's important to me as a backslid. So, now my hands are beaten, raw, and empty. Everything flew by me so fast and now I don't know where to go from here.
Being known is something that is incredibly important to me and now it is as if those I have been surrounded by only know a cheap, off-brand version they have created. This version seems like a new, better model, and who I really am has been shoved down. Now that I have finally given myself a voice, I feel like my mic is finally turned on but is anyone in the crowd?
I'm not sure anyone can hear me yet.
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Pivoting from there - I graduate soon. Soon meaning in May.
I have been promised a job by then, but have never been asked if that is what I want. It feels like I am a child being pat on the head, being told, "you're too young to know what you want".
Which... is fair. I do think I am too young to know what I want, BUT I think we all are too young to know. Even if we do know, it is driven by our own selfish desires. It could have a purpose, yet the idea of "this is my passion" lingers.
I am aware of the selfishness in wanting my hobbies, talents, and passions to become my profession. I know it's egocentric. Nevertheless, it is what I want.
When I have sought out advice, I have been guided through their experience. This doesn't surprise me one bit, this is our default. Instead of removing our own bias, cultivated through our own hurt and success, we allow that to fuel our advice and thoughts. No wonder we can't see people clearly, we are too busy looking for ourselves in the crowd.
Again with selfishness.
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I'm hurt, exhausted, confused, lost, excited, proud, and a little upset.
Up until now, I don't think I have compromised my own creativity. I knew that I was creative because I was created to be. A Creator created me to be creative.
I thought I would be happy if it was my job to endlessly create, except now that it (kinda) is, I'm not happy. Maybe it's the how, or even the why. There's still a possibility that my dream job involves being creative, it is just not what I am currently doing.
So far, it has been draining, leaving no time for me to express myself outside of my scheduled work hours.
This leaves me here, being closely watched by the eye of expectation. Not only did I help put myself in this awkward, heavy situation but I allowed other to cultivate unmanageable expectations of me.
I don't have it figured out and I most likely never will have it all sorted. Even so, I am managing to look forward to my future.
Now I am just hoping I can escape the eye of expectation.
-H
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