Sometimes we must break completely in order to rebuild fully. -Unknown
While I might understand the sentiment here, this mindset is too often abused. It is part of life, the breaking, but it is life that tears apart. My issue lies in those who know and love us taking it upon themselves to break us down. Why must those who know us, see us at our most vulnerable decide it is best to rattle us - ripping away the WHO and the WHY without remorse?
After the deconstruction, where are they? Those who were eager to rip at me until I am raw, bare, bleeding alone. I know instinctively I cannot rebuild by myself, so where are they? Was this removal of myself truly necessary if it left me isolated and confused?
I have thought deeply about this process, and what it is truly saying - I have decided that:
I am being broken apart so that those in close proximity can walk away with their favorite piece. That, at my complete self, I am too much and, in the same breath, not enough.
This is a dramatic assumption, a far-fetched realization. Despite my awareness, I am forced to recognize the truth it holds and how I have done something similar to those around me.
Nobody wants to blame themselves for how they feel (unless you fall victim to self-sabotage as I do).
I do the math, run the numbers, and look at what all my cracks and pieces have in common, and it's me. If I was somehow more palatable, able to be the friend they think they deserve, maybe - just maybe - things would be better.
How can I be the friend they want me to be?
This train of thought then leads me into a spiral of cliches, ones that your high school guidance counselor placed all over your school. Quotes about breaking the mold, and embracing uniqueness - quotes that tell you what to do but never share how to handle the feelings tied to the struggle.
金継ぎ - Kintsugi
the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer
dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum; the method is similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.
**All this is funneled through Wikipedia**
"As a philosophy, kintsugi is similar to the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi: embracing the flawed or imperfect. Japanese aesthetics values marks of wear from the use of an object. This can be seen as a rationale for keeping an object around even after it has broken; it can also be understood as a justification of kintsugi itself, highlighting cracks and repairs as events in the life of an object, rather than allowing its service to end at the time of its damage or breakage. The philosophy of kintsugi can also be seen as a variant of the adage, "Waste not, want not".
Kintsugi can relate to the Japanese philosophy of mushin (無心, "no mind"), which encompasses the concepts of non-attachment, acceptance of change, and fate as aspects of human life."
I do not believe I have intentionally hidden my own cracks, flaws, and other impurities. While I might have removed some from sight, I think my real issue was placed elsewhere.
I believe there is a danger in neglecting what is broken and ignoring it in a way that allows cracks to grow. Kintsugi is a way of repairing while not erasing, giving the imperfection a purpose. A hindrance turned art.
I don't think I am entirely convinced there is a 'correct' way to heal or learn from the past. The philosophy behind mushin is beautiful and peaceful - pairing that with wabi-sabi and I believe that comes close to the right way to approach what is broken.
Maybe if I begin to repair what is shattered, accepting and letting go, those around me will begin to see me as someone who is whole. Being whole won't give them a chance to pick their favorite shard from the pile, right? The way kintsugi highlights both the individual and the whole, showing the past while revealing what it has created. Then, will I be viewed as all the pieces that create me? As a whole, one whole is made up of many experiences, thoughts, hurts, and successes all glued together.
I don't think anyone truly knows me and I can say that with confidence because I find myself to be a stranger most days. My desire to be known aches, deeply. I am beginning to see that maybe the way to begin dulling that ache is through becoming aquatinted with myself. It's all unknown and despite the self-proclaimed wisdom of my elders, no one has given me any guidance here.
Faith is a crucial piece of my thoughts and what drives me - however many of the believers around me would detest this internal combat I am having. There is a time and place to wrestle with what one believes and I have realized the dismissal of my own questions has led me to where I am now. That place was a storm of confusion.
Referring to what I said earlier, I know that I cannot rebuild on my own. There is a need for that kinship, one deriving from deep similarities. This repair must be a slow methodical process, one escorted by those we know and those we will meet later.
I am beginning to circle into the cliches I hate so I will close by saying"
I am learning and I hope that I never stop pursuing knowledge all while embracing what life, others, and I have taught myself.
-H
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